my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????