I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
