last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
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she fell through a window trying to flash someone
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
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Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
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