Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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