Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
