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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
You pole danced in your parka.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
