Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
