the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.