i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
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