just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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