Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
