Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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