My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
