you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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