She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
