Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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