Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
