I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
