So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
