Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
