I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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