About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
