didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Who died my cat blue again?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
