I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
