just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
