Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
