We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
