atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
