It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
