what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
