She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
