Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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