If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
