I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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