She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
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