and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
