The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
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Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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