my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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