I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
