shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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