Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
