why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
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