my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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