When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
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