i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
