bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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