is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
