i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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