this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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