He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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