So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
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