Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
