I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
