can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Randomize
