Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
