if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
